A Very Sirius Christmas
by Rynne Lupin
Summary: Sirius gets drunk off firewhisky-laced eggnog and gives Remus an...interesting Christmas present. RLSB slash


Disclaimer: I own nothing but my version of The Twelve Days of Christmas. And there's more to that, so if you want to see the full version, I'll post a link in my bio.  
  
Summary: Sirius gets drunk off firewhisky-laced eggnog and gives Remus an.interesting Christmas present. Slashy Remus/Sirius  
  
Notes: PG-13 for dirty jokes and so on. Written for the SBRL Christmas Challenge. Merry Christmas!  
  
~*~  
  
"Happy Christmas, Moony!" Sirius popped up in front of him, grinning, and shoved a present into his hands.  
  
"Padfoot," he smiled, and rolled his eyes before setting the gift down on a nearby chair and kissing Sirius squarely on the mouth. They were just getting into the kiss when James wandered in and frowned.  
  
"What did I tell you two about kissing in my living room?" he reprimanded them sternly as they broke apart, then grinned and rolled his eyes. "My mum might want to take a picture, and my cousin might wander in and start drooling. You don't want to be responsible for a puddle of drool on the floor and scandalizing photos in the album, do you?"  
  
Sirius laughed, and Remus rolled his eyes, but they didn't kiss again. Sirius picked the present up off the chair, shoved it in Remus's hands again, then sat down in the chair, pulling his boyfriend down with him so that he was sitting on his lap. Then he grinned toothily at James, who rolled his eyes again and sighed in resignation.  
  
"Fine," he said. "Just don't blame me for the drool stains on the carpet once Jennifer sees you. She thinks two blokes snogging is adorable, you know."  
  
Remus pouted. "Why James!" he exclaimed in pretend hurt. "You don't think we're adorable too?" He laughed when James grimaced.  
  
"No offense, mates," he replied, "but I like Lily just fine. Besides that, my mum sent me to tell you that there's eggnog, so if you want some, you're going to have to get off each other."  
  
"Oh, I can get him off just fine," Sirius leered. Remus bopped him on the head and James groaned.  
  
"Right, I'm leaving," James said. "Enough with the dirty jokes. If you want some eggnog, there it is, and this year Mum's letting us have some firewhisky with it."  
  
Sirius's eyes lit up. "Firewhisky!" He was out of the chair in a flash, grabbing the now-standing Remus's hand and dragging him into the kitchen after James. Remus rolled his eyes, but let himself be pulled.  
  
Lily and Peter were already in the kitchen, chatting with Mrs Potter as they drank their eggnog. Mrs Potter left for the library as she saw them enter, and James walked up to his girlfriend and gave her a kiss on the cheek before pouring some eggnog for himself, and then taking the bottle of firewhisky and adding some, then stirring it. Sirius glared at him disapprovingly.  
  
"That's all the firewhisky you want?" he asked, marching over to the counter. "That's disgraceful, Prongs. Surely you can deal with a little more?"  
  
James eyed Sirius warily. "How much more?" he asked suspiciously. Sirius smiled brightly, then picked up the bottle and started pouring it into James's glass. James's eyes widened behind his glasses as he watched the firewhisky disappearing into his eggnog, but when Sirius showed no sign of stopping, he snatched his glass out from under the stream of alcohol. Some firewhisky spilled on the tiles of the counter before Sirius pulled the neck of the bottle up, an affronted look on his face.  
  
"Wasting good firewhisky like that, James? I'm surprised at you! Now it's spilled," he glared at James, and then at the alcohol puddle on the counter. James was still looking down at his eggnog, an indescribable look on his face.  
  
".That's a lot of firewhisky." he said. Sirius looked up.  
  
"Of course it's a lot!" he exclaimed. "You can't have only a /little!/ That's an insult to the firewhisky!"  
  
James looked up at Sirius and blinked, then shoved his own glass of eggnog into Sirius's hands. "If you want so much firewhisky, you can have my glass. I think I'd prefer the insult to the hangover."  
  
Lily chuckled, then shook her head in amusement. "Here, you can share mine," she offered, which James gratefully accepted. Sirius put the hand that wasn't holding the glass on his hip.  
  
"You have no sense of adventure," he declared. "Drinking firewhisky-even firewhisky with eggnog-is an /experience/. You're not the Prongs I used to know," he sniffed. "That Prongs would have cheerfully gotten drunk and chatted up girls with me."  
  
"I should hope you're not going to chat up girls," Remus drawled from the entrance to the kitchen, leaning against the doorframe. "And besides, now he's Lily's Prongs. He's been /reformed/." Remus snickered. James stuck his tongue out at Remus, but Lily tapped his shoulder and looked meaningfully at him, and he reluctantly put his tongue back inside.  
  
Sirius sighed dramatically. "I see what you mean, love. Now the Lily- flower's got poor Prongsy under her thumb, he can't maraud as well as he could before." Lily bopped him on the head, but Sirius ignored her, and she rolled her eyes. "Ah, Remus. Whatever shall we do with him?"  
  
"We could leave him under her thumb," Remus suggested, grinning. "It appears he likes it there anyway."  
  
"You don't have to talk about me as if I wasn't here," James complained, but at a look from Lily, quieted down. Sirius shook his head sadly.  
  
"Poor Prongs. We must mourn for him." Sirius took a long draught of his firewhisky-laced eggnog, and glared at everyone else as they did nothing. "Mourn, dammit!"  
  
Lily and Peter snickered before raising their glasses and downing some of their own, lightly-laced eggnog. James glared at the whole party. Sirius pouted at Remus, the only one in the kitchen aside from James who hadn't "mourned". He sniffed.  
  
"Moony" sniff "I'm surprised at you." sniff "You were poor Prongs's friend too." sniff "Have you no respect?" sniff  
  
Remus grinned. "I think I'm the only one here-aside from James, of course- who isn't so mournful. And it's Christmas, we can't have everyone so sad. Say, James," James perked up and looked over at Remus, "what say we lighten up the party a little?" James's face lit up.  
  
"Oh, I do agree, Mr Moony," he enthused. "It's our noble duty to cheer everyone up on Christmas. Why, if Mr Padfoot and Mr Wormtail were in their right minds, I daresay they would agree with us."  
  
"Unfortunately, I think Mr Padfoot may be getting drunk." Sirius had just downed the last of his eggnog and was currently attempting to grab the bottle, which Lily held away from him. "Do you know what effects such charms would have on drunk Animagi?"  
  
James pretended to think for a moment, tapping his forefinger against his lips, then shook his head regretfully. "I'm sorry to say that I do not, Mr Moony," he said, "but then, there's only one way to find out, isn't there?"  
  
Remus nodded solemnly. "It truly is our responsibility to find some way to cheer our comrades up. And if we happen to discover some new effect of the charm on drunk Animagi, why, that's all to the good, isn't it?"  
  
James nodded. "Together, then?" They both raised their wands, and Lily and Peter, who had been ignoring their conversation in favor of watching Sirius's uncoordinated antics around the kitchen, immediately transferred their attention to Remus and James. Sirius smashed into the counter and grabbed the firewhisky bottle from Lily, grinning toothily. Remus and James shared a grinned before simultaneously casting Cheering Charms on the other three people in the kitchen.  
  
Sirius hiccoughed. Lily grabbed the bottle again, which he had been cradling to his chest, and placed it on the counter. Peter grinned.  
  
"Lily?" James approached his girlfriend cautiously, and his eyes widened when she giggled, grabbed him, and pulled him into a deep kiss, but soon he relaxed and closed his eyes. Meanwhile, Peter was rummaging around in the Potter's drawers.  
  
"Peter.?" Remus asked, and Peter looked up at him. "What are you doing?"  
  
"Looking for some chocolate," Peter replied, still grinning. "Chocolate would really liven this place up, don't you think?"  
  
"Er, right," Remus replied, wondering if he and James had somehow mixed up their Cheering Charm with a charm to get people drunk. "Say Peter, why don't you go and organize the presents? That would help a lot."  
  
"All right!" Peter agreed cheerfully, then scampered out of the kitchen towards the Christmas tree. Remus turned to Sirius to see him sitting on the floor, staring up at the bottle of firewhisky on the counter. Remus walked over to him and knelt down beside him.  
  
"Why are you sitting on the floor, Sirius?" he asked. Sirius turned to face him, then grabbed his hand and pressed a kiss in the center of his palm. Remus smiled-apparently Sirius was an affectionate drunk.  
  
"The firewhisky's all the way up there," Sirius replied, waving his hand in the general direction of the counter. Remus amended that to an affectionate, coherent, but loosely coordinated drunk.  
  
"Then why don't you stand up?" Remus asked, muffling a chuckle at the lost expression on Sirius's face.  
  
"Because then I'll fall down," Sirius said simply, furrowing his forehead. Remus suppressed his chuckles; laughing at his drunken boyfriend wasn't going to help matters.  
  
"I think you've had enough firewhisky for today," Remus said, heaving Sirius up and placing one of Sirius's arms around his shoulders so that he was supporting Sirius, and slid his own arm around Sirius's waist. "Let's just get you to the living room so you don't have to move far when the presents are opened."  
  
"Can I have some water first?" Sirius asked. "My stomach feels all weird."  
  
"That's because you're drunk, love," Remus replied, taking a small step. "That's why you shouldn't put so much alcohol in your eggnog. I don't know what James's mum was thinking, letting you have some."  
  
James had broken off his snogging session with Lily in time to hear that last comment. "Because we're seventeen now, and adults," James answered, and Remus snorted.  
  
"Seventeen you may be, but adults you are most definitely not!" he retorted, and took another step. "Or at least, /he/ isn't," Remus gestured towards Sirius with his chin. "Or else he wouldn't have gotten drunk so fast. You know any sobering charms? We don't want him to fall asleep or something in the middle of opening presents."  
  
James pushed his glasses up as Lily grinned at all three of them, obviously still under the influence of the Cheering Charm. "My mum has a book of household spells somewhere around here," he said. "Sobering charms should be in there. Let me go find that while you get him to the living room." James disappeared into a hallway, and Lily handed Sirius a glass of water, which he downed hastily, before she went with James.  
  
Remus shifted Sirius into a more comfortable position against his shoulder and took another step. "Come on, love. Take a step. This is why I won't let you get me drunk. You lose nearly all your mobility when you're like this. Take another step. That's it." they continued taking small steps, Sirius weaving despite Remus's strong arm around his waist. But when they reached the doorway, Sirius stopped suddenly.  
  
"Come on, Sirius. We're not quite to the living room yet," Remus cajoled, but Sirius didn't move.  
  
"Mistletoe," he mumbled. Remus looked up, and saw the sprig of mistletoe hanging above their heads. "Not leavin' without a kiss, Moony," Sirius grinned lopsidedly, and Remus's heart pounded. He never got tired of this, of Sirius, who was tasting like a mix of eggnog, firewhisky, and water, which was strangely good, when it was Sirius.  
  
But just as they were getting into a good snogging session for the second time that day, James and Lily wandered in again. Lily smirked when she saw them, but James sighed.  
  
"I don't know if your lips are just magnetically attracted or something, but you better be glad that Jennifer is with the rest of the family in the library," James warned.  
  
"Oh, shut up about it," Lily said, elbowing James. "Let them be in love for awhile. I daresay you wouldn't be very happy if they kept telling you to stop kissing me." James looked horrified at the very prospect.  
  
"But Lily," James protested, "what about that sobering charm?"  
  
Lily glanced back at the two boys, who were still kissing under the mistletoe, and smiled mischievously. "You know," she mused aloud, glancing at James amusedly out of the corner of her eye, "I wonder what would happen if you hit a kissing wizard with a sobering charm. You think he'd notice?"  
  
James's eyes lit up. "There's only one way to find out," he replied, and grinned. Then he carefully aimed his wand at Sirius and cast the sobering charm he learned just a minute ago.  
  
It hit Sirius dead-on, causing him to jump back from Remus and clutch his head. He spun on his heels and glared at James, who was laughing. "You wanker," he forced out through gritted teeth. "That felt like a bloody hammer to the head!"  
  
Remus was silently laughing beneath the mistletoe. "Well, you have to admit, love," he chuckled, "anything else probably wouldn't get you sober quickly. And you /are/ sober now, aren't you?"  
  
Sirius ran a hand through his hair, and half-smiled at Remus. "Well, yeah, I suppose." he admitted reluctantly. He moved towards Remus again, but James jumped forward and dragged them both out from beneath the mistletoe before they could start kissing again.  
  
"If I let you two start that again, we'll be waiting all day," he said over the protests of two randy wizards. "And we have to do presents now, before Pete and Lily have to leave! Remus may be staying the night-which I do /not/ want to here about," he glared at them pointedly for emphasis, "but Peter and Lily have to get back to their families, so let's not let snogging time take over presents time."  
  
Sirius sighed heavily, making it clear to James that he didn't like that one bit, but he followed James and Lily into the living room, where Peter was sitting with the presents piled around him under the tree. The Cheering Charm seemed to have worn off, because Peter looked a bit put out at having to wait for so long.  
  
"Finally you get here!" he exclaimed. "I thought I was going to have to wait forever for the presents."  
  
"You got them all sorted, Peter?" Remus asked as Sirius sat down and pulled him into his lap. Peter nodded, and began passing out presents.  
  
"Open mine first, Moony!" Sirius cajoled like a little kid, eagerly snatching the present from Peter and shoving it into Remus's hands. As Peter, Lily, and James opened their first presents, Remus tore the wrapping paper off his, opened the plain white cardboard box, and pulled out a stuffed black dog.  
  
"It's Padfoot," Remus said, running his hands through the dog's fur, which, although it wasn't quite as soft and silky as the real Padfoot's, did feel nice against his hands.  
  
"That's not all he is," Sirius murmured in his ear, and Remus felt laughter bubbling up in his chest. "Say /Canto/ to him and he'll sing for you. Go on, try it."  
  
So Remus picked up his wand and muttered, "/Canto/" at the stuffed dog, which immediately sat back on its haunches, opened its mouth, and began to sing in Sirius's tenor. It was, apparently, singing "The Twelve Days of Christmas", but /nothing/ like Remus had ever heard it before.  
  
"//On the first day of Christmas, my true love gave to me a big bed full of Moony./On the second day of Christmas my true love gave to me two blowjobs and-//" the stuffed dog was unfortunately cut off as Remus clamped his hands around its jaw, blushing furiously as Sirius's body behind him shook with laughter. But the jaws were still moving beneath Remus's hand, and garbled song was still coming out.  
  
"Sirius!" he hissed as Lily, James, and Peter looked over to see where the odd noises were coming from, "how do you turn this thing off?"  
  
Sirius's shoulders were still shaking with laughter, and he fought to get himself under control. "Just say /Recanto/," he managed to choke out before dissolving into laughter again. Remus hastily said the spell, and the stuffed dog fell mercifully silent. Remus breathed a sigh of relief and relaxed back against Sirius's chest.  
  
"So what'd you think of my present?" Sirius asked into his ear, his laughter under control, though his mirth was still evident in his voice.  
  
"I think it would have been far more appropriate to give to me in private, where we could have listened to the song without James and Lily and Peter, and without the possibility of being walked in on by one of James's family," Remus muttered back.  
  
"You think they'd miss us if we slipped away? You could hear the rest of the song." Remus looked up just in time to see the grin on Sirius's face.  
  
"Do we care if they do?" Remus replied, and Sirius's grin widened. They stood up simultaneously, and the other three looked up from amidst gifts and wrapping paper.  
  
"Going somewhere, are you?" James asked, pushing his glasses up.  
  
"Nowhere you'd want to know about," Sirius replied cheerfully. He grabbed Remus's hand and started up the stairs out of the living room towards the bedrooms, Remus's other hand clutching the stuffed dog. James squeezed his eyes shut.  
  
"Make sure you clean my sheets!" he hollered after them, and was answered only by laughter and a door slamming shut. 


End file.
